think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
