Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
