oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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