DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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