i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
