If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
