Your face is a jimmy john
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
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