my room smells like sperm. sweet.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
