She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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