why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
