I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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