My Higher Power is John Stamos
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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