I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
