so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
