I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
