I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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