Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He? As in you personified your dick?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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