i need an iv and a liver transplant
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
