And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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