Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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