Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
