Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Randomize
