george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
