He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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