There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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