Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
