He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
he thought i was a dude.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
