do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
we should paint friendship bongs
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