I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
