Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
