The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
