Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
