Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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