The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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