So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
