he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
