Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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