why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
