I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
