I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
