There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
