Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
