i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
