Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
