sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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