I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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