I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
