I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Also, beer. Big fan.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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