morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
