my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
