you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
