I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
